Category: Parenting

What are the predominant parenting styles psychologists talk about?  The four that are usually sited are Authoritative, Uninvolved, Authoritarian, and Permissive.

It is generally agreed upon by Psychologists that the Authoritative style is the best one; this way the parent is obviously in charge but never the less is willing to consider an open discussion to an extent and at the same time reserves the right to keep control.  There is more thoughtful communication, and it builds trust between parent and child.

An example of this would be explaining to a 7 year old the need to participate in the chores of the household while saying what chores are currently needed & then asking what chores the 7 year old thought he could handle.  Chores get put on the refrigerator weekly and are enforced by the parent.  If the chores are not done, a consequence is in place.

Uninvolved is the worst possible style.  With this style the parents are basically negligent and fail to monitor or supervise their child’s behavior. Some reasons for this may be substance abuse, having no interest in teaching or parenting others, never were parented themselves, overwork and lacking boundaries and consistency with rules because it’s more work to keep the rules than to “let things slide”. It can also be that the parent sort of worships the child and allows them to do anything or is afraid to lose love from the child so is actually afraid to discipline the child.  As the child grows older, the parent then becomes truly afraid of the child’s reactions to things. Children do very poorly with this method, generally feel unsafe, neglected, are in trouble a lot, have no reason to follow rules; have no incentives to behave and operate without boundaries.

I once had a client who had so much fun with her 4 year old (worshiping her and being entertained by her) that he actually did not put her to bed, but allowed her to stay up until midnight or longer when the kid just crashed from exhaustion.

 Authoritarian is generally a rigid and an overly controlled militaristic way of parenting; it suggests no possibility of discussion with a “my way, or the highway” attitude. Many times an authoritative parent cannot see the grey line, only the black and white of the situation.  If the parent fails to be fair in their rules or discipline, the child will hold resentments of being forced to comply.  It has been my experience that many kids seem to have an automatic fairness barometer that tells them if they are being incorrectly parented.

A constantly permissive method is also undesirable as it lacks boundaries the child needs to feel safe.

Do parents ever blend these styles?  I would argue yes and while consistency is important, a blend of sorts can be beneficial at times depending upon the circumstances.  If the majority of the time a parent is Authoritative in their style, Authoritarian may come in handy when trying to make a point.  For example, there is absolutely no leeway when it comes to safety.  The only discussion to be had there is “it’s my way or the highway” to keep the child safe. Also sometimes parents just feel frazzled and stressed from the day and if they go into a militaristic mode, it’s an opportunity to later approach the child with an apology.  By example, the child begins to learn how to also apologize.

Permissive or militaristic can be an excellent way to engage the child in play where they can be the authority and they are the expert and can tell you how to play the game or how to build a fort or whatever.  The parent does not get to decide and has to take a backseat in this case and do whatever the child tells them with regard to (safe) ways the game is played.  This is a great way for the child to practice teaching the parent something for a change and to practice a different role under appropriate circumstances.

Is consistency a major consideration with parenting styles?  Yes, however, most parents can use a little of the permissive and a little of the militaristic under the right circumstances.  Uninvolved would only be useful when your child has reached an age where they are responsible for their own life and should be making their own decisions.  Then parents need to know when to step back from any parenting style.

There are over 6,600 divorces a day in the United States alone.

No question about it, divorce is a traumatic and destabilizing event, for both parents and their kids.

When parents are in the immediate throes of divorce, emotions may run wild for both parents.  Anger, frustration, and depression are part of divorce.

Suddenly, separate thinking may be going on for parents who used to feel united. 

As difficult as it is, both parents need to be able to put aside their differences while with their children.  This is when the parents may separately need to consult a professional to emotionally process the divorce events and ways of handling various situations.

How do you go about putting your children first when you are also suffering?

Some Tips

Stay off Social Media regarding your divorce

The Court can use this information against you.  Do not lie, make threats, or manipulate your ex.  Control your own feelings in public.

Compartmentalize

You have to separate out what’s happening to you and not show anxiety, depression, or temper tantrums in front of your kids.

 Whenever you are around them, you must focus on their needs.  It is not their fault that the relationship has changed for either of you.

If need be, place your child with a trusted relative or friend for the time it takes to complete some task regarding the divorce for that day.

Realize you are the parent and you have to be the grown-up

At no time do you ever “put down” the other parent in front of your child.

It is not their job to listen to a parent’s pain & suffering.  Do not make them your surrogate counselor.

Get help from a professional so you can process this difficult event.

This will help you from crossing the boundaries of where you need to stay to help your child.  Your child should feel secure in how you and your ex are handling the situation because it is not your kid’s problem.

Process your feelings, then theirs

Once you are able to process your own emotions, you may be able to help your child process theirs.  How do you feel?  How do they feel? 

Being honest about feelings helps this process, but also correct any feelings the child has about blaming themselves or only a parent.  Again, stress to your child, this is not their problem to fix, and there is nothing you expect them to do about it.

Always ask yourself, what is the affect of my current actions on my child? 

Many times toddlers are expected to go back and forth to different houses several days a week.  This type of action is very destabilizing unless both parents are involved in an amicable divorce and are putting the child first and seeing what the reaction is to the child changing houses often. 

Put yourself in your child’s shoes

How would you like it if someone demanded that you go back and forth 3 days a week to different houses?  It probably would feel disruptive, overwhelming, and scattered.  Your clothes would have to be in two places, your “toys” or things you use daily would have to be in two places.  It might be hard to get to sleep and keep your routine.

Don’t expect a child not to be affected by all this 

Have enough maturity and kindness to have the child live 90% of the time in one place until an appropriate age is reached where the child will not mind the inconsistencies as much.

Come up with a parenting plan for visits that seems reasonable and doesn’t stress the child’s schedule.  Then discuss it with a professional.

Divorce is never an easy thing, but, you can still raise a well-adjusted, happy child if you watch for signs from them about how their needs can be met. 

Give it your best effort.  It will be worth it.  You are their hero and you are the closest example for them.  Be vigilant about your own behaviors.

Many Millennials know that they can keep their identity and still parent.  I think that this is a very healthy attitude.

 Many parents in previous generations – especially Moms and stay at home Dads – have been so focused  on their kids to the extent that they lost their previous identity and the empty nest syndrome became a grieving reality.

Millennial Dads & Moms are taking the time to relate to their children by staying connected to pop culture so they can connect to their kids.  Parents have no problem tuning into You Tube for the latest guidance and information on parenting. This is a good thing, but it’s also good to remember that people on U Tube are strangers and there are many other resources.  Other known & trusted parents have real stories & experiences to share.

These parents in general also want to connect by being very truthful with their children and this helps with emotional intimacy.  But it is important to consider the age of the child and not be candid if it’s not appropriate for the age/stage the child.  What can the child handle?

For example, when my son was 5 years old I thought I should tell him the truth about Santa Claus.  That night we settled in with the story of St. Nick, and I thought I was doing a great thing by explaining why everyone pretended that Santa was real, but it was just a fun thought for children.  My son’s eyes glazed over, he acted as if I had never said that, and proceeded to ask me “Will Santa be able to fit down our chimney on Christmas Eve?”  I realized my mistake and said, “Yes, and we are baking cookies for Santa too” as if I had not said anything either!  This is where magical thinking is a natural protection  for kids & good for their imagination.  I learned an important lesson that night, magical thinking matters!  My son did not want a reality check at this time!

My professional opinion is that the same goes for details in a tragedy or particularly dark story you may want to reveal about your childhood; it may not be appropriate for them until some time much later in their life. 

Generally kids like to believe that you, their parent, are their hero and in this way, it may not be good to destroy that image. 

After many years of counseling parents, I have witnessed first hand, the ones who told their kids about their previous drug use etc. (Do what I say, but not as I did), did not realize this can give kids “permission” to do the same.  After all, Dad did it and experienced all of that and survived just fine, so why not me?

It’s important to be the parent and not their best friend – until they have grown up.

Parents have always been “the people makers” for the next generation.  Children learn what they learn about the world from you and who they know.  They grow up to affect the entire culture you and we all live in for years to come.

 Anyone beginning the parenting process has the power to change their community for the better.  Parents have the opportunity to pass down healthy parenting practices, depending on their natural and learned skills, level of awareness, and interest and commitment to the parenting process. 

When we become parents, we have to take into consideration many aspects of the whole of the child.  A person is physical, emotional, psychological, social, and many might argue, a spiritual being.

It takes a mature attitude, some psychology, some intuition, and a willingness to learn more whenever it’s needed.  It could be said that you are entrusted to do right by the child and for the love of that little person, have a resolve to become the best parent you can be.

Here are just some thoughts about a possible job description for a parent.

I would like to invite anyone to add more thoughts, ideas, or words for their own personal parent job descriptions….

In the comments below, please share your first name and job description words.

What does nature do for us really?  According to an article written by Danielle Cohen of The Child Mind Institute, we are in a crisis concerning spending time in nature vs. time with technology and screens.  They are naming this crisis, “Nature Deficit Disorder.”

The article stresses the importance of nature in reducing stress, fatigue, keeping kids healthy and exercised, and many other things.

For me, it allowed for great creativity and the imagination to flourish.

As a child, I loved to go outside in Nature and breathe the fresh air of all four seasons!  My friends and family were happy thinking up things to do.  In the winter we had a large puddle that would form in the backyard and when it froze over, we would use our ice skates, taking turns briefly skating over the short distance on the shallow ice. 

In the spring we would watch the ice melt and put little mini plastic boats in the water and watch them sail down the driveway!

In summer we loved being outside watching the lightening bugs fly around as we ‘pretend camped’ in our backyard with sleeping bags until our parent’s told us we had to come in.  We roller skated everywhere.

In the fall, we raked piles and piles of leaves and would jump in them laughing and falling on the soft beds.

A successful Parent/Counseling Story

Some parents came to me with a problem.  In trying to keep their young 8 year old son, Jack (not his real name), happy and occupied, decided to buy a television for his room.

Very soon, Jack became addicted to staying in his room and watching TV.  It was becoming more and more difficult to develop other interests.  So they decided to get help from a professional.

After thoroughly discussing the matter, I asked that they tell Jack that – for now – the TV was going away for awhile and permanently from his room. They explained that this was not a punishment, but that they could see that it had become too important at the expense of other activities.

They told Jack that he would have to play outside after school and to learn to make some friends with the boys next door.  Both Jack and his neighbors had safe, good backyards.  Jack began to mope and stomp around the house asking for his TV back and kept it up for days. 

The parents called me, and I told them to remain calm and firm.  They told Jack, “Sorry, you need to go out and play and do other things with your time.”

On day 7, the parents had a win!  Jack saw the kids playing next door and finally went over to their yard.  He was gone all afternoon (with the parent’s permission next door) and when he walked into his house, he had a huge grin on his face.  He ran over to his Mom in the kitchen and said, “Mom, best day ever!”

Maybe nature & friends should be our first ‘go to’ for an activity for kids when we would like them to be happily occupied.    

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